And time stood still.

Today was quite the day.  Saying goodbye to Yaotshing wasn't quite what I thought it would be like.  These last few days have been surreal.  I have been trying to hold on to every moment, taking it all in, and storing it in pictures in the back of my mind so that when I really miss him, they will be there.

God has given us both quite the challenge hasn't He?  He asks for our obedience, and trust and we give it.  We give it because our faith tells us He will not forsake us.  He will push and pull and grind and mold and put us through the fire until we are everything He has created us to be.  He will not fail us.  He will not disappoint us. 

Yaotshing was so brave leaving.  Of course I was in tears, trying not to be hysterical.  He just smiled at me and said "It's ok, it's going to be fun right?"  The night before he was telling me that he didn't want to leave on sad terms, that he wanted to look to this next chapter as something exciting and beneficial for the both of us.  He didn't want me to focus on counting down the days, he wanted me to celebrate God's faithfulness everyday.

As I sit here tonight reflecting on today's events I put my hands over my eyes and start to cry again.  Kashia then says "Come on Mommy, come on!" and then I realize that I can't afford to sit here and be sad about Yao being gone.  My daughter needs me right now and I can't neglect her so I can comfort myself in tears.  So as I write this every few minutes I let out a loud whale cry and as soon as Kashia looks at me, I suck it up.  I sound pretty ridiculous.  I know it's really confusing for her to see me cry all the time.  In fact yesterday I got pretty emotional while Yaotshing was praying for us.  I couldn't stop crying.  Kashia kept looking around not knowing what to do. As soon as Yaotshing stopped praying, Kashia threw herself onto the couch and started crying.  She covered her face like her mommy and started crying.  I felt so bad I had made her feel that way without understanding much of what was going on.

Actually that reminds me of something. Earlier today as I drove off wailing, I wanted to reach for the phone and call my mom, or call my sisters.  I stopped myself and cried out to God.  I begged him to help me be strong.  I begged him to comfort me.  I wanted to just stop the car and rest awhile and let it all in.  I wanted to give in to my self pity and my worries.  But I had to drive Kashia back home safely and go to work.  I had things to take care of at home.  I had things to do and I needed focus.  God reminded me in that moment that I could be strong, and that He would be there for me.  He gave me courage to keep going.  He dried up my tears and comforted me.  I didn't feel any warm arms around me, I didn't hear a voice calming me down.  What I did feel was conviction in my heart.  The Holy Spirit was simply bringing truth into my heart.  It grounded me and kept me going.  If I didn't keep in perspective that building our future and family takes hard work, I would just sit in front of the tv for the next seven months miserable.  I would take all the opportunities God gave me to grow and toss it away with my Kleenex.  I couldn't do that.  I couldn't do that to God, to Yaotshing, to Kashia and to myself.  Talk about tough love, but I need it.

So I close today in celebration.  I celebrate God's faithfulness to me and my family.  I celebrate Yaotshing bravery and my own courage I've found through the Holy Spirit.  I thank God for all my family and friends that are here to support me through this... and to Hoxav for stepping up and helping me with Yaotshing's household duties.

My siblings were making fun of me having a mix cd/playlist I had prepared for days I wanted to be sad.  Well today here is what's on my playlist:

and

and this one because it's the song Yaotshing and I used to cruise around CA listening to..

Goodnight everyone.