And time stood still.

Today was quite the day.  Saying goodbye to Yaotshing wasn't quite what I thought it would be like.  These last few days have been surreal.  I have been trying to hold on to every moment, taking it all in, and storing it in pictures in the back of my mind so that when I really miss him, they will be there.

God has given us both quite the challenge hasn't He?  He asks for our obedience, and trust and we give it.  We give it because our faith tells us He will not forsake us.  He will push and pull and grind and mold and put us through the fire until we are everything He has created us to be.  He will not fail us.  He will not disappoint us. 

Yaotshing was so brave leaving.  Of course I was in tears, trying not to be hysterical.  He just smiled at me and said "It's ok, it's going to be fun right?"  The night before he was telling me that he didn't want to leave on sad terms, that he wanted to look to this next chapter as something exciting and beneficial for the both of us.  He didn't want me to focus on counting down the days, he wanted me to celebrate God's faithfulness everyday.

As I sit here tonight reflecting on today's events I put my hands over my eyes and start to cry again.  Kashia then says "Come on Mommy, come on!" and then I realize that I can't afford to sit here and be sad about Yao being gone.  My daughter needs me right now and I can't neglect her so I can comfort myself in tears.  So as I write this every few minutes I let out a loud whale cry and as soon as Kashia looks at me, I suck it up.  I sound pretty ridiculous.  I know it's really confusing for her to see me cry all the time.  In fact yesterday I got pretty emotional while Yaotshing was praying for us.  I couldn't stop crying.  Kashia kept looking around not knowing what to do. As soon as Yaotshing stopped praying, Kashia threw herself onto the couch and started crying.  She covered her face like her mommy and started crying.  I felt so bad I had made her feel that way without understanding much of what was going on.

Actually that reminds me of something. Earlier today as I drove off wailing, I wanted to reach for the phone and call my mom, or call my sisters.  I stopped myself and cried out to God.  I begged him to help me be strong.  I begged him to comfort me.  I wanted to just stop the car and rest awhile and let it all in.  I wanted to give in to my self pity and my worries.  But I had to drive Kashia back home safely and go to work.  I had things to take care of at home.  I had things to do and I needed focus.  God reminded me in that moment that I could be strong, and that He would be there for me.  He gave me courage to keep going.  He dried up my tears and comforted me.  I didn't feel any warm arms around me, I didn't hear a voice calming me down.  What I did feel was conviction in my heart.  The Holy Spirit was simply bringing truth into my heart.  It grounded me and kept me going.  If I didn't keep in perspective that building our future and family takes hard work, I would just sit in front of the tv for the next seven months miserable.  I would take all the opportunities God gave me to grow and toss it away with my Kleenex.  I couldn't do that.  I couldn't do that to God, to Yaotshing, to Kashia and to myself.  Talk about tough love, but I need it.

So I close today in celebration.  I celebrate God's faithfulness to me and my family.  I celebrate Yaotshing bravery and my own courage I've found through the Holy Spirit.  I thank God for all my family and friends that are here to support me through this... and to Hoxav for stepping up and helping me with Yaotshing's household duties.

My siblings were making fun of me having a mix cd/playlist I had prepared for days I wanted to be sad.  Well today here is what's on my playlist:

and

and this one because it's the song Yaotshing and I used to cruise around CA listening to..

Goodnight everyone.

A Past Update

Failed to post this up during our trip to California  in November.  Here it is.  

It has been about a week now into our vacation here in California.  So far, everything has gone according to plan.  We spent a few days in Southern California before flying to Sacramento.  Overall, it has been a good traveling experience for us although stressful at times when caring for Kashia.

During our short time in LA, we got the chance to try and see new things courtesy of my best friend Tom who showed us around.   We visited the Griffith Observatory and with it, experienced the scenic view of LA during the night, ate cheap but tasty Mexican food and also greasy Chinese food, got a firsthand feel for the traffic in LA by taking over an hour to drive to the Griffith Observatory from the airport, and stayed at a hotel which could be used in a scene of a Hollywood thriller film.  Personally, I think that LA seems like a great place to visit but not a comfortable place where I would want to live and raise a family.  Thanks a great deal Tom for your help.

We spent a longer time in San Diego than in LA,  4 days and 3 nights to be exact.  We rode the Amtrak train from Union Station in LA to Santa Fe Station in San Diego, and it was a long trip because of all the stops made at other stations along the way.  Kashia was a handful on this ride, as she had many moments of screaming, not staying still, and crying.  However, we were fortunate that there weren't many passengers on the bottom level where we were seated.  Luckily Kashia fell asleep during the last hour of our ride, and Mitchia and I were able to enjoy the beautiful view of the Pacific Coast for the rest of way.            




  

Kashia's amazing talents!

My beautiful daughter does not cease to amaze me every day.

To be honest there are days where I can't wait for Yaotshing to come home so I can nap or spend some alone time...

But for the rest of the time, I just want to snuggle with  her all the time!  She is growing more aware of how people treat her and watch her.

Lately she has been doing a lot of funny things.  She can do them on cue too if needed.  I woke up one day to find her able to nod.  I turned to her after waking up and realizing she was awake and asked her, "Are you reading to get out of bed?"  To my surprise she nodded yes.  I asked her a few more questions and she continued to nod yes.  I took out my phone and this is what I got:

I ran was so happy I didn't know what to ask her, so I asked her if "do you love milk as your favorite"... I can speak English, ok? haha

Take two:

This time, she lost her patience with me, but soon played nice again.  I love her smile at the end.  It melted my heart because she had never shown me that smile before! 

The day after she learned how to shake her head no.  haha!

Yesterday my dad was able to visit and spend an evening with us while attending a funeral in town.  During the end of the 49ers game we tried to keep her and the other kids busy since the small space was growing on them.  I started to spin her in a computer chair and this is the response we got when she was done spinning:

She learned how to do the shimmy all on her own.  Her arms were back in the chair and she kept at it because of all the support of her audience.  I love my baby bear.

More to come I'm sure.  My daughter is amazing.<3

kashia is sneaky!

Kashia is 13 months now, and yes, still on her pacifier.  I know every parent differs on this issue... but that is not what this post is about.

Anyways, Yao and I cannot keep track of all her pacifiers.  At one point she had 4... Right now 1 or 2 on and off, having no idea what happened to the other ones.  Yesterday when we were sitting on the couch together Kashia got mad at her pacifier and tossed it.  I got mad at her and told her to stop.  Then she reached in the couch cushion and pulled out another pacifier! One that had been missing for two weeks now. She is so funny!  She remembers where she hides things in the cushions.  Yao and I just laughed at her!

 This morning she was hiding Hoxav's Halloween candy in the cushions! hehe.. she is too cute!



These are some pictures of Kashia when we got back from trick or treating with her aunties and cousins in Fridley.  She had a blast and had her first sucker!  Yao didn't like that I gave it to her though.  We did brush her teeth before bed that night don't worry.

Kashia looks a lot like her Auntie Meuy here!

Kashia as a happy elephant.

Not with a bang but a whimper.

I'm not through the woods yet.  I nursed Kashia for the last time Saturday morning while half sleeping.  I wanted to prepare myself for the last time I would nurse her, but I was not able to see things coming like this.  It ended not with a bang, but a whimper. This has been a very long and sad process.  I wanted to do it on my time and according to Kashia's needs, but Yao, and my doctor (bc of my thyroid problem) insisted on me getting it over with so she doesn't have to be dependent on me. 

Friday night was horrible.  She cried and laid on my belly all night.  I'm not as lucky as other moms, Kashia has still been waking up ever three hours or so during the night, and it's usually not a hassle because I was able to feed her and sleep.  However, our first time in a year feeding her with a bottle at night was not welcomed.  Her cries were piercing.  I had to leave the room many times.

She has now gone two days and two nights with just a bottle.  I am relieved and yet sad.  Now I can start on my medication to treat my hyperthyroid and Graves Disease... so that I can have another child in the future with no health problems.  Such a scary thought when someone tells you that your body has a disease that can keep you from having more and healthy children.

The problem with her only drinking cow milk is that she is not eating as much as she should be.  So much of her nutrition is coming from what a cow eats, GRASS!? She loves feeding herself, she loves eating apples and noodles... but she still is not eating as regularly as I hoped.  Any suggestions out there mothers?

With this switch to whole milk, she has been pooping so much! It's 2pm, and I've had 4 poopy diapers today.  It's getting harder and harder to eat that hummas in the fridge.  She is also showing early stages of a diaper rash, which is not fun.  In the last year, only twice were we thinking she might have diaper rash, but it never really stayed longer than a day.  Now, she is crying every time she has to poop or is pushing.  It's a sad sight.

These are a few pictures of Kashia in her new poncho I just had to buy for her.

too many love songs

Beware All! Gushy reflection up ahead!!
I've been listening to sappy, love songs all day and that is why I am writing this blog entry... because I'm just in that kind of mood.  Here is the development of my love life over the years in the summary three songs.

Song 1:  Everything by Michael Buble

So this weekend Yaotshing and I rented a lot of movies and just stayed in and ate junk food (which means Yao watched me chow down on lots of potato chips and candy bars).  Our favorite movie was The Five Year Engagement.  Yao and I had a great time talking about how we first met, what led to dating, that led to marriage, to our careers.  It's a great movie and I'd recommend it to most couples out there, though it does have some explicit scenes I'd only ever watch with Yaotshing.  I know just about every couple I've talked to can relate to the challenges in this movie.  It's really strange to think back to a time when Kashia was not around, even though she's only been with us for a year now.

Yao and I had a really unhealthy beginning to our relationship.  (since I'm older now and married I can be honest) We were just OBSESSED with each other, and we were young... and snuck around when we really should have been doing other things. I know every new couple goes through that stage where you just want to be together all the time.  I know now, after 5 years of dating and 5 years of marriage with Yaotshing, we kind of wish that the obsessive stage was shorter- well between the two of us, my grades definately suffured more.  There were a lot of very important things going on in high school and college that we paid no attention to because everything was just an obstacle to being able to call or see each other.  Love now looks very different than the love that we had for one another years ago.

I think that over time, even when the fullness of that love deflates (I'd say the fullness of "that" love was probably experienced around the time we got married), we continue to move through the motions of what we think that love should look like.  I don't know if I can measure whether I love Yaotshing any more or any less than "that" time, but I know my heart is full.

Song 2: Follow Through by Gavin DeGraw

I heard this song on the radio this morning and it reminded me of a time when Yao and I were young and would make so many ridiculous promises to each other.  I think that with each promise you declare, in that moment, you truly think that you'll be able to follow through.  However, time weighs in, as well as many other priorities, and those promises soon fall apart.

I can't tell you how many arguments Yao and I had over not being able to keep our word.  I mostly am so quick to make claims about my willingness to do this or that, and never get around to it, or just flatly forget.  Yao on the other hand is more so pressured by me to make promises, so when he doesn't fulfill them, it's my fault not his.  The lyrics of this song are really impractical "if you want to be with me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say."  But I think that it shows us that if we are going to make promises, vows, declarations, we should only be saying what we are capable of following through with.

I think ultimately I would hold Yaotshing to the promises he made before God at our wedding and at Kashia's child dedication ceremony...
 
Cause lets's face it, my ring isn't going to get any bigger...

(I just loveeee Gavin as a singer/song writer.... he is AMAZING!)

Is it strange that I think Gavin DeGraw is cute.. and yet he kind of reminds me of Carol's son Toby?? hahah!! I think it's the eyebrows and long face. haha

You need to play this next song as you are reading the rest of this entry: ....:) For sure. hah!

Song 3: Wanted by Hunter Hayes

'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
It makes sense when I'm with you

Isn't it funny that the more years you spend together and the more you grow individually, the more you two compliment each other? hahaha, really though.  I think Yaotshing and I definitely make up for each other's shortcomings and weaknesses.  I just hope, at the end of the day, that what we will be enough to set the right example for Kashia.

I really connected with the lyrics of Wanted because I think everyone in a relationship, at some point, wants to be reminded that they are "wanted" especially after SO MANY YEARS. Something Yaotshing always says when he sees Jennifer Aniston playing a role of a woman dumped "That guy is dumb, he doesn't even know how lucky he is!" Hahahah! sorry that is just strange to me. But anyways, my point is that I usually sit there and say back, "Don't you know how lucky you are?" and then he laughs while I give him a glare. At some point you start doubting that your partner see's what you bring to the relationship- your beauty, your knowledge and wit, your love, your forgiveness and willingness to overlook those nasty habits... list goes on as I'm using myself as an example. HAHA! Don't take your partner for granted y'all! :P Make em feel wanted every now and then.

This last song was played so many times today I think I'm going be sick.
Ok that's it. Goodnight.:)

Eating in a nightgown, hot flashes and George.

Each day, Kashia amazes me.  She has such funny habits.  Everything she gets her hands on, she will go to the couch and stick it between the sectional pieces.  In her car seat, she will take her pacifier and throw it while crying.  She will then cry until you give it back to her, yet she will throw it again because she is angry she is belted in so tightly.  When she eats, she will eat a few bites of whatever is on her plate, then she will take a few pieces of food with her left hand and throw it on the floor.  Twice now I've caught her with food in her left hand, fork in her right, and her face just plummeted into her bowl.  Every now and then, she likes to purse her lips together and makes faces, though when she kisses it's with an open mouth.  She is just so silly!

Also, lately she has been pooping a lot. She used to poop every morning before 10AM. Then for about a week she had been pooping around 7PM.  The last few days she has been going 2 to a record 4 times today.  This morning I put her in the tub right after she had pooed for the second time, and a few minutes in she farted.  A yellow cloud appeared in the water.  I was so disguested but it was so funny. (don't worry I changed out her water)

I can't help but squeeeeze her and kiss her many, many times.  I can't help but look at her and wonder how she is mine.  Sometimes I look at her and wonder how there might be a second or third child in my life when she fills it so much.  My heart is full, it is overflowing.

A few months back my mother in law bought her a size 2T nightgown.  I thought it might be fun to put it on her, especially now that she is standing.  It just about touches the ground.  Here is a video of her this last week:

Here is a picture of her after she won our wrestling match for the remote:

I was really sad, that she knew how to lift her arms and point at at the TV.  Right after this, I turned off all electroctics and put on a puppet show. hahah!  I know it's going to be harder now with winter, but I really want to keep Kashia active and busy with a lot more educational activities.

Part of my laziness, I do have to say has to do with my thyroid malfunction.  I believe I have a  hyperthyroid and will be seeing an endocinologist this Wednesday, however these are the symptoms I found listed on WebMD:

• You may feel nervous, moody, weak, or tired.
• Your hands may shake, your heart may beat fast, or you may have problems breathing.
• You may be hot and sweaty or have warm, red, itchy skin.
• You may have more bowel movements than usual.
• You may have fine, soft hair that is falling out.
• You may lose weight even though you eat the same or more than usual.

(It's so strange that almost all these symptoms were experienced in the last 6 months and my doctor kept writing them off because I was breastfeeding)

Soooo, I have to blame some of my sluggishness on something I am unable to control right now.  As well as a lot of other things.  The worst symptom I've been experiencing is getting "hot flashes" just about all day, and especially at night because I cannot sleep feeling hot.  I've kept the AC or window open when Yao and Kashia were freezing, but I didn't notice because I was sweating and complaing so much.  Now that I know that it's just me, I just force myself to sleep through it, especially because Kashia has been sick.

(George is someone that all women know intimately) So for my sisters out there, after two years, GEORGE came back to visit.  I'm so annoyed! He is so relentless.  I forgot what it was like to have him around, but when he arrived I was a mess just like before. I was so moody the last few days and when I told Yao that George was back, he laughed and said he understood why the sudden change.  WOW... this is what it's like to be a woman though right! UGH. I know, I know, I was lucky he went away for two years.  I was spoiled.