Mitchia and Kashia visited on Labor Day weekend, and boy was it a blessing. I love my wife and daughter so much, it didn't really matter what we did. Just their physical presence alone brought me to radiance. I 'm glad everything worked out the way it did. Saying goodbye was hard, but it was a happy goodbye knowing that my time here will be coming to an end shortly.
I accomplished quite a bit this week. I completed the security plus course, passed my EOC test (end of cycle physical fitness test), and managed to get my laundry done yesterday. I'm moving closer to the end of this mos. It won't be long until I get on back home. I can't wait for next weekend because my family will be visiting. I miss them so much, I will do whatever it takes to ensure that I get family quality time during labor day weekend. I still have plenty of work to do before next weekend, but tonight, it's all about chilling out and reflecting on the beauty of life. God is good, amen.
It has been a trying year for our family because of my being away for training. I left behind so much stress-inducing responsibilities to Mitchia like parenting Kashia, maintaining the house, paying the bills, and making important decisions.
Although we won't be spending our anniversary together this year, I feel your warmth and love from afar. Happy Anniversary Mitchia
Kashia has been all over the place personality wise for her second year. She has been super silly lately as well as super crabby.
Here are some videos to document these last few months.
Kashia being a mime for Gaojoua:
Kashia loves pretending to be a waitress. Here she is taking my order at Quangs:
Yaotshing doesn't believe me that she throws crazy tantrums so this is for him. Here she is refusing to eat food. She is super demanding about how and when to eat or do things.
Kashia loves it when I tell her stories before bed. Here she is while going down for a nap. She wanted to tell me a story about going to the zoo with her dad and riding a race car.
Yaotshing we miss you so much. I hope these videos bring joy to you and keep you up to date with her silliness. Love you!
So the other day we were at Gaojai's place and I was able to record this hilarious video. In the video Kashia very seriously considers herself Superman and her and Gaojoua sing for me. Kashia also fails a jump from the coffee table to the couch much to my amusement and Gaojoua breaks into "Let it Go song from Frozen.... It is quite a long video but this post is really for Yaotshing to be able participate in our lives.
This is for you Yaotshing. She kept screaming superman up until I started video taping her. She takes wearing a cape very seriously. :)
Kashia has been waking up frequently crying out for her daddy. She usually looks over at his pillow and cries for him. Sometimes she will wake up from nightmares, sometimes she just misses him when she wakes up. It's so hard for me to comfort her sometimes. This was one of the first times I caught her crying out for her dad.. I know it's kind of cruel to show this, but I want Yaotshing to know just how much she does miss him.
I just started receiving letters from Yaotshing. It is difficult for me to hear how things are going for him over there. Not that he is particularly struggling with anything but that certain drama is created for the sake of making the environment intense for the soldiers. However I'm saddened to hear, it doesn't exactly surprise me. We were expecting these kinds of games, and I know Yaotshing is praying for strength and peace of mind to stay above it all. His letters are actually quite funny, I'm happy he's able to keep things light even when facing adversity. Although I can't send any letters yet, I have been writing letters on the side and hoping to send them later this week when I finally get his address.
He also called me out of the blue when he arrived at Basic Training (The first week and a half was apparently processing?) and let me know that he had arrived. I was so surprised by his call I was actually speechless. I had started crying dry tears (I seriously cannot cry anymore) and speaking incomplete sentences while walking around in circles. My heart literally leapt when I heard his voice. Unfortunately we only spoke for less than a minute.
I was most afraid of having to shovel and use the snow blower. The last snow fall before Yaotshing left was by far the heaviest and hardest to deal with. I'm so grateful he was here to help us dig our way out of the house. Since then surprisingly there has not been any significant snow fall. PRAISE GOD!
Also I've been using pity to get Hoxav to spend more quality time with me. He usually is tied to his phone or laptop with his headphones on. It's been hard in the last two years to get his attention and keep it for any amount of time. Lately I've been asking for some family time together and when I see that he might decline, I say "Come on Hoxav, do you want me to cry again?" and then he usually will laugh, but agree to set his things aside and sit with me and talk for a while, watch a movie or get out of the house and run some errands. He is a lifesaver. Without his company, Jason's help with Kashia during the weekdays and Pajjar and Johan watching Kashia while I'm working at DGS, I don't know how I would make it. I know a lot of people have made sacrifices to help us along this process, and we will always be grateful and indebted.
Well that's it as far as updates go for now. Yaotshing I know you won't be able to read this more a few more months, but I'll try to update videos and pictures here.
We love you.
ps here are some more songs I've recently added to my missing you playlist:
Today was quite the day. Saying goodbye to Yaotshing wasn't quite what I thought it would be like. These last few days have been surreal. I have been trying to hold on to every moment, taking it all in, and storing it in pictures in the back of my mind so that when I really miss him, they will be there.
God has given us both quite the challenge hasn't He? He asks for our obedience, and trust and we give it. We give it because our faith tells us He will not forsake us. He will push and pull and grind and mold and put us through the fire until we are everything He has created us to be. He will not fail us. He will not disappoint us.
Yaotshing was so brave leaving. Of course I was in tears, trying not to be hysterical. He just smiled at me and said "It's ok, it's going to be fun right?" The night before he was telling me that he didn't want to leave on sad terms, that he wanted to look to this next chapter as something exciting and beneficial for the both of us. He didn't want me to focus on counting down the days, he wanted me to celebrate God's faithfulness everyday.
As I sit here tonight reflecting on today's events I put my hands over my eyes and start to cry again. Kashia then says "Come on Mommy, come on!" and then I realize that I can't afford to sit here and be sad about Yao being gone. My daughter needs me right now and I can't neglect her so I can comfort myself in tears. So as I write this every few minutes I let out a loud whale cry and as soon as Kashia looks at me, I suck it up. I sound pretty ridiculous. I know it's really confusing for her to see me cry all the time. In fact yesterday I got pretty emotional while Yaotshing was praying for us. I couldn't stop crying. Kashia kept looking around not knowing what to do. As soon as Yaotshing stopped praying, Kashia threw herself onto the couch and started crying. She covered her face like her mommy and started crying. I felt so bad I had made her feel that way without understanding much of what was going on.
Actually that reminds me of something. Earlier today as I drove off wailing, I wanted to reach for the phone and call my mom, or call my sisters. I stopped myself and cried out to God. I begged him to help me be strong. I begged him to comfort me. I wanted to just stop the car and rest awhile and let it all in. I wanted to give in to my self pity and my worries. But I had to drive Kashia back home safely and go to work. I had things to take care of at home. I had things to do and I needed focus. God reminded me in that moment that I could be strong, and that He would be there for me. He gave me courage to keep going. He dried up my tears and comforted me. I didn't feel any warm arms around me, I didn't hear a voice calming me down. What I did feel was conviction in my heart. The Holy Spirit was simply bringing truth into my heart. It grounded me and kept me going. If I didn't keep in perspective that building our future and family takes hard work, I would just sit in front of the tv for the next seven months miserable. I would take all the opportunities God gave me to grow and toss it away with my Kleenex. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that to God, to Yaotshing, to Kashia and to myself. Talk about tough love, but I need it.
So I close today in celebration. I celebrate God's faithfulness to me and my family. I celebrate Yaotshing bravery and my own courage I've found through the Holy Spirit. I thank God for all my family and friends that are here to support me through this... and to Hoxav for stepping up and helping me with Yaotshing's household duties.
My siblings were making fun of me having a mix cd/playlist I had prepared for days I wanted to be sad. Well today here is what's on my playlist:
and
and this one because it's the song Yaotshing and I used to cruise around CA listening to..
Failed to post this up during our trip to California in November. Here it is.
It has been about a week now into our vacation here in California. So far, everything has gone according to plan. We spent a few days in Southern California before flying to Sacramento. Overall, it has been a good traveling experience for us although stressful at times when caring for Kashia.
During our short time in LA, we got the chance to try and see new things courtesy of my best friend Tom who showed us around. We visited the Griffith Observatory and with it, experienced the scenic view of LA during the night, ate cheap but tasty Mexican food and also greasy Chinese food, got a firsthand feel for the traffic in LA by taking over an hour to drive to the Griffith Observatory from the airport, and stayed at a hotel which could be used in a scene of a Hollywood thriller film. Personally, I think that LA seems like a great place to visit but not a comfortable place where I would want to live and raise a family. Thanks a great deal Tom for your help.
We spent a longer time in San Diego than in LA, 4 days and 3 nights to be exact. We rode the Amtrak train from Union Station in LA to Santa Fe Station in San Diego, and it was a long trip because of all the stops made at other stations along the way. Kashia was a handful on this ride, as she had many moments of screaming, not staying still, and crying. However, we were fortunate that there weren't many passengers on the bottom level where we were seated. Luckily Kashia fell asleep during the last hour of our ride, and Mitchia and I were able to enjoy the beautiful view of the Pacific Coast for the rest of way.
My beautiful daughter does not cease to amaze me every day.
To be honest there are days where I can't wait for Yaotshing to come home so I can nap or spend some alone time...
But for the rest of the time, I just want to snuggle with her all the time! She is growing more aware of how people treat her and watch her.
Lately she has been doing a lot of funny things. She can do them on cue too if needed. I woke up one day to find her able to nod. I turned to her after waking up and realizing she was awake and asked her, "Are you reading to get out of bed?" To my surprise she nodded yes. I asked her a few more questions and she continued to nod yes. I took out my phone and this is what I got:
I ran was so happy I didn't know what to ask her, so I asked her if "do you love milk as your favorite"... I can speak English, ok? haha
Take two:
This time, she lost her patience with me, but soon played nice again. I love her smile at the end. It melted my heart because she had never shown me that smile before!
The day after she learned how to shake her head no. haha!
Yesterday my dad was able to visit and spend an evening with us while attending a funeral in town. During the end of the 49ers game we tried to keep her and the other kids busy since the small space was growing on them. I started to spin her in a computer chair and this is the response we got when she was done spinning:
She learned how to do the shimmy all on her own. Her arms were back in the chair and she kept at it because of all the support of her audience. I love my baby bear.
Kashia is 13 months now, and yes, still on her pacifier. I know every parent differs on this issue... but that is not what this post is about.
Anyways, Yao and I cannot keep track of all her pacifiers. At one point she had 4... Right now 1 or 2 on and off, having no idea what happened to the other ones. Yesterday when we were sitting on the couch together Kashia got mad at her pacifier and tossed it. I got mad at her and told her to stop. Then she reached in the couch cushion and pulled out another pacifier! One that had been missing for two weeks now. She is so funny! She remembers where she hides things in the cushions. Yao and I just laughed at her!
This morning she was hiding Hoxav's Halloween candy in the cushions! hehe.. she is too cute!
These are some pictures of Kashia when we got back from trick or treating with her aunties and cousins in Fridley. She had a blast and had her first sucker! Yao didn't like that I gave it to her though. We did brush her teeth before bed that night don't worry.
I'm not through the woods yet. I nursed Kashia for the last time Saturday morning while half sleeping. I wanted to prepare myself for the last time I would nurse her, but I was not able to see things coming like this. It ended not with a bang, but a whimper. This has been a very long and sad process. I wanted to do it on my time and according to Kashia's needs, but Yao, and my doctor (bc of my thyroid problem) insisted on me getting it over with so she doesn't have to be dependent on me.
Friday night was horrible. She cried and laid on my belly all night. I'm not as lucky as other moms, Kashia has still been waking up ever three hours or so during the night, and it's usually not a hassle because I was able to feed her and sleep. However, our first time in a year feeding her with a bottle at night was not welcomed. Her cries were piercing. I had to leave the room many times.
She has now gone two days and two nights with just a bottle. I am relieved and yet sad. Now I can start on my medication to treat my hyperthyroid and Graves Disease... so that I can have another child in the future with no health problems. Such a scary thought when someone tells you that your body has a disease that can keep you from having more and healthy children.
The problem with her only drinking cow milk is that she is not eating as much as she should be. So much of her nutrition is coming from what a cow eats, GRASS!? She loves feeding herself, she loves eating apples and noodles... but she still is not eating as regularly as I hoped. Any suggestions out there mothers?
With this switch to whole milk, she has been pooping so much! It's 2pm, and I've had 4 poopy diapers today. It's getting harder and harder to eat that hummas in the fridge. She is also showing early stages of a diaper rash, which is not fun. In the last year, only twice were we thinking she might have diaper rash, but it never really stayed longer than a day. Now, she is crying every time she has to poop or is pushing. It's a sad sight.
These are a few pictures of Kashia in her new poncho I just had to buy for her.
Beware All! Gushy reflection up ahead!!
I've been listening to sappy, love songs all day and that is why I am writing this blog entry... because I'm just in that kind of mood. Here is the development of my love life over the years in the summary three songs.
Song 1: Everything by Michael Buble
So this weekend Yaotshing and I rented a lot of movies and just stayed in and ate junk food (which means Yao watched me chow down on lots of potato chips and candy bars). Our favorite movie was The Five Year Engagement. Yao and I had a great time talking about how we first met, what led to dating, that led to marriage, to our careers. It's a great movie and I'd recommend it to most couples out there, though it does have some explicit scenes I'd only ever watch with Yaotshing. I know just about every couple I've talked to can relate to the challenges in this movie. It's really strange to think back to a time when Kashia was not around, even though she's only been with us for a year now.
Yao and I had a really unhealthy beginning to our relationship. (since I'm older now and married I can be honest) We were just OBSESSED with each other, and we were young... and snuck around when we really should have been doing other things. I know every new couple goes through that stage where you just want to be together all the time. I know now, after 5 years of dating and 5 years of marriage with Yaotshing, we kind of wish that the obsessive stage was shorter- well between the two of us, my grades definately suffured more. There were a lot of very important things going on in high school and college that we paid no attention to because everything was just an obstacle to being able to call or see each other. Love now looks very different than the love that we had for one another years ago.
I think that over time, even when the fullness of that love deflates (I'd say the fullness of "that" love was probably experienced around the time we got married), we continue to move through the motions of what we think that love should look like. I don't know if I can measure whether I love Yaotshing any more or any less than "that" time, but I know my heart is full.
Song 2: Follow Through by Gavin DeGraw
I heard this song on the radio this morning and it reminded me of a time when Yao and I were young and would make so many ridiculous promises to each other. I think that with each promise you declare, in that moment, you truly think that you'll be able to follow through. However, time weighs in, as well as many other priorities, and those promises soon fall apart.
I can't tell you how many arguments Yao and I had over not being able to keep our word. I mostly am so quick to make claims about my willingness to do this or that, and never get around to it, or just flatly forget. Yao on the other hand is more so pressured by me to make promises, so when he doesn't fulfill them, it's my fault not his. The lyrics of this song are really impractical "if you want to be with me, you'll have to follow through with every word you say." But I think that it shows us that if we are going to make promises, vows, declarations, we should only be saying what we are capable of following through with.
I think ultimately I would hold Yaotshing to the promises he made before God at our wedding and at Kashia's child dedication ceremony...
Cause lets's face it, my ring isn't going to get any bigger...
(I just loveeee Gavin as a singer/song writer.... he is AMAZING!)
Is it strange that I think Gavin DeGraw is cute.. and yet he kind of reminds me of Carol's son Toby?? hahah!! I think it's the eyebrows and long face. haha
You need to play this next song as you are reading the rest of this entry: ....:) For sure. hah!
Song 3: Wanted by Hunter Hayes
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
It makes sense when I'm with you
Isn't it funny that the more years you spend together and the more you grow individually, the more you two compliment each other? hahaha, really though. I think Yaotshing and I definitely make up for each other's shortcomings and weaknesses. I just hope, at the end of the day, that what we will be enough to set the right example for Kashia.
I really connected with the lyrics of Wanted because I think everyone in a relationship, at some point, wants to be reminded that they are "wanted" especially after SO MANY YEARS. Something Yaotshing always says when he sees Jennifer Aniston playing a role of a woman dumped "That guy is dumb, he doesn't even know how lucky he is!" Hahahah! sorry that is just strange to me. But anyways, my point is that I usually sit there and say back, "Don't you know how lucky you are?" and then he laughs while I give him a glare. At some point you start doubting that your partner see's what you bring to the relationship- your beauty, your knowledge and wit, your love, your forgiveness and willingness to overlook those nasty habits... list goes on as I'm using myself as an example. HAHA! Don't take your partner for granted y'all! :P Make em feel wanted every now and then.
This last song was played so many times today I think I'm going be sick.
Ok that's it. Goodnight.:)
Each day, Kashia amazes me. She has such funny habits. Everything she gets her hands on, she will go to the couch and stick it between the sectional pieces. In her car seat, she will take her pacifier and throw it while crying. She will then cry until you give it back to her, yet she will throw it again because she is angry she is belted in so tightly. When she eats, she will eat a few bites of whatever is on her plate, then she will take a few pieces of food with her left hand and throw it on the floor. Twice now I've caught her with food in her left hand, fork in her right, and her face just plummeted into her bowl. Every now and then, she likes to purse her lips together and makes faces, though when she kisses it's with an open mouth. She is just so silly!
Also, lately she has been pooping a lot. She used to poop every morning before 10AM. Then for about a week she had been pooping around 7PM. The last few days she has been going 2 to a record 4 times today. This morning I put her in the tub right after she had pooed for the second time, and a few minutes in she farted. A yellow cloud appeared in the water. I was so disguested but it was so funny. (don't worry I changed out her water)
I can't help but squeeeeze her and kiss her many, many times. I can't help but look at her and wonder how she is mine. Sometimes I look at her and wonder how there might be a second or third child in my life when she fills it so much. My heart is full, it is overflowing.
A few months back my mother in law bought her a size 2T nightgown. I thought it might be fun to put it on her, especially now that she is standing. It just about touches the ground. Here is a video of her this last week:
Here is a picture of her after she won our wrestling match for the remote:
I was really sad, that she knew how to lift her arms and point at at the TV. Right after this, I turned off all electroctics and put on a puppet show. hahah! I know it's going to be harder now with winter, but I really want to keep Kashia active and busy with a lot more educational activities.
Part of my laziness, I do have to say has to do with my thyroid malfunction. I believe I have a hyperthyroid and will be seeing an endocinologist this Wednesday, however these are the symptoms I found listed on WebMD:
You may feel nervous, moody, weak, or tired.
Your hands may shake, your heart may beat fast, or you may have problems breathing.
You may be hot and sweaty or have warm, red, itchy skin.
You may lose weight even though you eat the same or more than usual.
(It's so strange that almost all these symptoms were experienced in the last 6 months and my doctor kept writing them off because I was breastfeeding)
Soooo, I have to blame some of my sluggishness on something I am unable to control right now. As well as a lot of other things. The worst symptom I've been experiencing is getting "hot flashes" just about all day, and especially at night because I cannot sleep feeling hot. I've kept the AC or window open when Yao and Kashia were freezing, but I didn't notice because I was sweating and complaing so much. Now that I know that it's just me, I just force myself to sleep through it, especially because Kashia has been sick.
(George is someone that all women know intimately) So for my sisters out there, after two years, GEORGE came back to visit. I'm so annoyed! He is so relentless. I forgot what it was like to have him around, but when he arrived I was a mess just like before. I was so moody the last few days and when I told Yao that George was back, he laughed and said he understood why the sudden change. WOW... this is what it's like to be a woman though right! UGH. I know, I know, I was lucky he went away for two years. I was spoiled.
This morning while walking from my bus stop to work, I realized I still had all this lint on my jacket from last winter from carrying Kashia around and all her blankets. I just laughed because this was not something I expected would happen after I had a child. LINT? So that left me thinking... what other things have surprised me over the last year?
Well, that makes to top of my list as I'm brainstorming this morning. Lint!
I guess second I'll have to post about poop. I expected the spit up and barf being on my clothes from watching Gaojai raise her first two boys. But I did not think poop would get on my clothes. I guess that's not even the worst of it. A few times it came up the front of her diaper and made a full circle around her body starting at her belly button. I've seen this happen to Gaojoua too, but much more dramatic, it went all the way up to her neck.
Third, I'd have to admit I was quite surprised when I found myself not having time to shower. Especially those months where I stayed home with Kashia. When Yaotshing went back to work, I found it harder and harder to use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and shower. It's not that I didn't have enough time, time was there, it was because I was so exhausted, and busy out of my mind.
And that brings me to my forth point. I did not know I would love and hate nursing so much! They were the most difficult days of my life, her learning to latch on. I expected the late night feedings and loss of sleep, but I did not know there would be a comparable pain to labor! It didn't last too long, thankfully, but man, those days were dark. However, after I passed that mark, I could not be happier to connect with my daughter in this way. It's great to know that this has created a bond strong enough to comfort her when she is sick and cannot eat through a bottle, or when she has an ear infection and in pain. I'm in the process of weaning her off and it is hard, not for her, but for me. I've cried just thinking about not nursing her anymore. (Though pumping I could care less for!)
Ok, so I've covered nursing, showering and poop. Oh, I know! My hair! I've always shed hair and it's always been collected on our carpet everywhere we live. This is disgusting I know! BUT, you mothers out there know that after all those hormone changes and vitamins you take, you get such thick luscious hair, that falls out by the handful in the shower or when you are brushing it. I had the nastiest patch of baby hair in the front. It has finally reached a length that I can comb down and it stays!
This last one is a bit naive. I should have seen this one coming but it was seriously not on my mind. I've lost any private time I might have had with Yaotshing. It gets harder and harder to have a conversation without waking her up or interrupted by chasing Kashia down because she put something in her mouth. I think 8 months went by without us realizing we had not spent a single hour together alone. It wasn't on my mind, and it wasn't on Yaotshing's mind either. We LOVED spending time with our daughter, but after a night out just the two of us, we realized just how important it was (we were forced by my sisters).
Ok, I have to get back to work. That list is pretty good for now. I'm sure I'll continue to add things later as she grows up and I'm discovering new things she does and says at each stage. I have to say, I LOVE being her mom. I can't wait for more kids to be in the picture and add to our family.
-Mitchia
We just got in to Michigan and boy does it feel good to be at home. I never lived in this house, but it is where my parents and Taying live, and every time I come here I feel I am where I should be. We've visited them here twice before during Christmas, and once on a whim with Jason and Gaojai... this is our first time with Kashia and I hope she loves it as much as I do. I know for sure she's going to like crawling around everywhere as she is always couped up inside our apartment. I love the hardwood floors, it reminds me of our old Brooklyn Center home, especially with the heat on. I like to walk around barefoot and hear the creaks.
Today when we got back, I was watching my mom cook- yes she didn't need my help as she is the perfect cook... and well, I was being nosy and just opening all the cupboards and looking at all her things. Every time I opened a cupboard I thought to myself, "I need that!" "That is so cute!" "Now that's how I want my dishes to be organized." Everything about my mom, I want to someday embody. The way she places the towel on the rack or puts the shoes at the door or the way she makes the bed is just so cute and perfect. I want to be like my mom. One achievement she's had all my life, no matter how old the home we've lived in, the sink may be piled high with our mess and our clothes can be all over the bedroom floors, but the bathroom...the bathroom was always clean. I don't know why these things are so significant to me, they just are. Everything about the way my mom takes care of each home they've moved into welcomes me in like it is my own.
Another thing... My mom can just dig around an empty fridge and make the best meals. Gosh I just miss everything about her. When I was younger I used to think that I couldn't wait to get out of the house and by my own groceries...I couldn't wait to buy all the junk I wanted and not have anyone put it back at the register (though Yao does make me do that still. haha). But now my fridge is filled with all that junk and I want nothing more than to eat my moms last minute egg soup or beef jerky. Sometimes the simple things about her cooking is what makes it so good! But no matter what I do, I can never replicate her style. And I know Yaotshing and Hoxav have lost hope in my attempts.
My dad on the other hand. Honestly, I miss his smell. I smell it in everything in the house. Maybe it's just the detergent, but the towels and the comforters really do me in. When I take a big whiff of the sheets, it's just like hiding out in his closet behind all his suits waiting for Ho-Shia or Ho-Seng to find me. Or when there's a thunderstorm and I jump into bed with my parents, and scootch towards my dad until he puts his arms around me and I can finally sleep. That's just about all I need. I don't need a deep conversation with my dad to feel close to him, I just need the friendly reminder that he is near.
I love my family and I am glad that Kashia gets to spend this time with my parents.
Now... she better stop crying and making my mom hide from her.
Since baby has started crawling Yaotshing and I have been sleepless with anxiety over how many changes we'll need to make in our everyday activities to keep her safe. She was just bouncing back and forth on all fours just a week ago. She would find a way to manipulate her body to get from one place to another without actually crawling... it was really amazing to watch because it didn't look like she was doing anything at all, then suddenly she has moved from one end of the bed to the other. Then at the graduation picnic this last Saturday, she just started crawling! I wasn't there, but Yaotshing got it on video. Gao-jai and Bee were also there to witness this milestone. I was truly sad to have been gone, but I am too happy to sit here and regret anything.
This morning, I had the most amazing moment with my daughter. Baby and I woke up at 6 to send Yaotshing to the bus station like usual. When we got back, I had two hours before I needed to be anywhere so we got back into bed. Kashia was wide awake and I fought to keep up with her, but I couldn't. I remember her trying to keep me up by kicking my belly and touching my face, but it was no use. I gave her a little stuffed animal and, selfishly, I knocked out cold. Next thing you know I woke up to find something on my face. At first I jerked my body because I was surprised, but then I realized, it was baby's head. The more I examined from my angle, I realized that she had grown tired of playing by herself, found her pacifier I had set on the other side of the bed and crawled back to me, falling asleep on top of me. I woke up to find her cheek to cheek with me sleeping perpendicular with my body. Looking up I could see her with her pacifier and eyes closed. I tried so hard to find my phone to take a picture to show Yaotshing, but it was no use because it was so dark, and nothing, absolutely nothing could ever capture that moment ever again. All I could do was enjoy it. It felt like a dream, the sweetest dream I could ever dream. My little girl wanted to be close to her mommy and it was just like all my hopes and dreams and all the happiness in the world that I could ever experience was packed in that little moment. My little baby girl resting on her mommy's face- as funny as it was, it was just as enduring. She found comfort there. I found comfort there. As tiny as that little act was, it was the most amazing gift God has given to me yet.
I reflected on that all day. I told everyone that I could. I don't know how it sounded to others, but to me, it brought me joy every time I thought about it. My sweet honey bee.
I know that there is not enough Yaotshing and I will be able to do to keep up with her growing up, baby proofing this and that... God will always be the one to guard her, to keep her company when her mom has fallen asleep, or when her daddy has his head phones on and cannot hear her. My little girl will always have the presence of God to protect her and be with her when we cannot be.
Thank you God for this gift. I hope that I will never forget it.
So, we are trying to plan a getaway this July for our anniversary... five years. And we are trying to plan it without Kashia. It was really hard for us to come to terms with that, but my mom has been begging us to spend some time with her and I know that Yaotshing and I have not made any time for each other since she was born. I think we've had two dates in 8 months, well make that one attempt (bc we ended up just walking around the lake then it got too late we had to go pick her up) and one movie/Applebees night out. hehe. This is life after marriage folks.
Anyways, we've thought of everything, staying in the states, going overseas, going upstate... everything just seems so boring. We've done the big cities, the tropics and beaches, the camping in the woods, THAILAND... there's nothing new to explore that is worthwhile, everything seems to be the same experience after a while. Is it worth it just to be able to say "Been there, done that"? I mean in the end you'll have all these amazing pictures and all, but we're not really fun people. We don't dress up, drink or dance. Yao is extremely frugal so even when we go somewhere with things to do, we just end up taking pictures outside of the buildings and keep on walkin. All we end up doing is shop for souvenirs, eat and stay in and swim or watch movies. I'd love to blame this on parenthood but we've always been like this. After 6 months of NO alone time, we finally end up trying to go out and we end up down the street at the mall movie theater and Applebees. And that seriously took a lot of effort!
For months now, Yaotshing and I have been trying to brainstorm places to go. I started to get worried that we were not adventurous enough, we were going to waste our anniversary and be boring people that just went out to Applebees. I mean, five years of love, fighting, compromising, moving across the country, Kashia... doesn't that deserve celebration? For some people they sacrifice so much to be save up time and money to vacation. I feel so ungrateful for having the time and money but not having any desire to go. But then today I started to realize, I shouldn't force myself to want to
do something only for the sake of having done something.
I'm praying that God will change my heart. I want to want to do something worthwhile and be given a chance to spend some time with my husband. We've been talking about this for so long now, and now that it's here, we couldn't be less interested.
Well, Yaotshing did suggest today that we could go to Six Flags, but.... I said no.
Show me the way God, and I will follow with all of my heart, with no more worries or reservations. You have been with me through my ups and downs in life, delivering me the light when I was surrounded by complete darkness. As selfish as I was yesterday and today, and as much as I would like to consider or view my life as very important, in the end I am only a mere piece of an intricate, and seemingly endless puzzle. God, be with you. YJS
Romans 11:33-36 33 Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and[b] knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! 34 “Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?”[c] 35 “Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?”[d] 36 For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
